The Self-Abasement Tapes

The Copy Editor Applicont

2011-09-10T12:39:00.000-05:00

My Comedy Album

2011-08-18T19:44:00.002-05:00

I've finally released my comedy album Rolling Stephen Hawking Up A Hill through the indie music distribution site CD Baby. Below is a store widget thingy and here's a link to the site: http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/brianbannon

It's also available on iTunes, emusic.com, amazon and should be on the streaming music services soon. It took me awhile but now it can languish online while I move on to something else. Phew.

Look I Made a Hat

2011-01-11T18:49:00.002-05:00

I took 2nd place in this year's Creative Loafing fiction contest.

It's an X-themed fable of the Reconstruction sure to make St. Andrew himself tip over in his grave.

I took third place three years ago and nothing the last two so one step forward 2 steps back I guess.

One day I'll figure out "Life and How To Live It."

A Star Bar Ghost Story

2010-12-12T12:51:00.000-05:00

Don't Copy Off Her Paper

2010-06-16T22:14:00.000-05:00

An O'Henry Ending

2010-05-19T07:18:00.000-05:00

Rolling Stephen Hawking Up A Hill

2010-05-10T21:39:00.001-05:00

I'd thought of this as the title track to my first comedy album.

Sadly, this performance is rushed and mumbly, but maybe that's as it should be.

Like Fingers on a Gay Chalkboard

2010-04-26T22:03:00.002-05:00

I've begun the horrific task of cataloging my live sound recordings.

A few years back I bought a portable digital audio recorder with this very idea in mind. Something to capture the intimate, raw sound of a half-full karaoke bar where my best work is done.

The hope is to somehow find an hour or so presentable enough to make a "best of" compilation.

It ain't gonna be easy. From my most recent set this already out-of-date minute was the lackluster highlight.

Vic Tayback, Jr.

2010-03-24T06:22:00.000-05:00

My latest attempt at a character.

Where Commerce is A Virtue

2010-01-22T20:08:00.002-05:00

The Fountain of Youth Has an Active Nightlife

2009-10-08T18:00:00.002-05:00

The cops raid a Ponce de Leon leather bar on its least decadent night, the secret to your late-term choice and the billowing clouds of a sex workers breath.

Stand-up from the Star Bar. Not for the eternally young.

Portraits of Children

2009-09-27T07:05:00.002-05:00

Bill Taft hosted another Evening with the Garbagemen spoken word and music night at Opal Gallery. My piece took inspiration from the space's current exhibit and opens with a dark bit I once performed at The Star Bar but wanted to think about more sincerely.

Up until a couple years ago the Little Five Points Zesto had a plaque on the wall from Atlanta Magazine naming it one of the "Best of Atlanta" for 1981. Nothing since. They've finally taken it down which is probably for the best. If you're an Atlanta restaurant that peaked during the Missing and Murdered/Wayne Williams era … you might not want to draw attention to that fact. Especially if you're an ice cream stand. That's just too creepy. "Oh yeah, the kids used to love coming in here. Back in 1981. We even sponsored a little league team up until they couldn't field enough players. But we still keep the pennant up."

In 1981 I was ten. But I was a white kid living in Wisconsin. And ugly. A tubby social outcast with limp, greasy hair that oozed out like play-do through the perforated scalp of a Hasbro action figure. I was the kind of kid a predator in a late model sedan would circle the block to avoid. Portraits of me from that time are painful to view. There's the ugliness of the subject itself compounded by the panicked self-consciousness in its eyes. It's the image of a child being tortured by attention. The camera may not steal a soul but when you hate to be noticed it can certainly crush one. Such a picture on a milk carton would have caused dairy sales to plummet destroying the economy of my native state.

I was aware of Atlanta then from television. I watched a lot of television. There were news reports of children gone missing and a city on constant alert. I remember a proud mountain of a mayor reduced to the hushed tones and stoic understatement of the bearer of bad news. Then there was the SuperStation. Of the mere dozen or so cable channels at that time Atlanta-based WTBS ran the most comedy. I was very interested in comedy. The SuperStation played old black and white sitcoms like The Andy Griffith Show and The Adams Family. And for a time it had an original sketch comedy show called Tush. It had no studio audience or laugh track and the cast were complete unknowns to me. Was it funny? I'd have to decide that for myself. I must laugh or not at my own free will. Even the star, Bill Tush, looked no more famous than a local used car dealer who did his own commercials; as if in later years the Wolfman and Donna somehow got their own show. I did laugh and thought it was funny. I also remember wondering what it must be like to do comedy in a city going through such tragedy.

Throughout the 80s Atlanta had less violent but still unflattering moments. In 1985 Coke changed its formula causing a populist revolt against a greedy, cynical corporation that holds nothing sacred. The revolt succeeded in a return of Coke Classic but helped boost the company's stock price and did nothing to reduce childhood obesity. The 1988 Democratic Convention seemed to gain more lasting cultural relevance from Rob Lowe committing statutory rape at the Hilton than from anything Michael Dukakis said at the Omni. Then in 1989 I moved here.

Isn't Atlanta always losing its innocence? From Sherman's ashes to our Olympics getting bombed to every episode of the Channel 2 Action News. What do we make of tragedy in a city that prefers a good sales pitch? Pay shocked attention to it all and then move on to the next sale? Shove a camera in the face of someone who knew the victim then go to commercial? Or make a dark joke about it all and call yourself edgy? Then look at portraits of other children and hope for the best.

Hipsters

2009-08-25T19:11:00.001-05:00

As told at the Star Bar.

An Un-Excreted Life Is Not Worth Living

2009-06-30T21:56:00.004-05:00

I recently played the Clermont Lounge.

The Karaoke DJ and comedy host at the Star Bar also works the Clermont and held his 40^th Birthday there. To celebrate, he had his own and a couple other punk bands perform with about 4 of us poorly-miked comics trying to tell a couple jokes over the raucous throngs. Nobody heard a word.

Ah well.

I still played the Clermont:

"It's a little known fact that both the Clermont Lounge and Motor Hotel were named for Josiah P. Clermont, Atlanta's earliest known syphilitic drifter.

Famous past residents of the Hotel include the punk rock singer GG Allin, Patient Zero and for six months in 1981 Jimmy Carter.

The most popular mixed drink is Absolut and Valtrex.

It was in that very basement bar, then known as the Anchorage Club, that in 1949 cab driver Hugh Gravitt got liquored up before hitting Margaret Mitchell.

Bar regulars like to call the men's room trough the General Sherman. Not out of Southern defiance, but because it usually burns when they pee."

In planning for the show, I rented the documentary Hated about GG Allin who actually did live in the hotel for a time. Allin's aesthetic was one of provocation, demanding a reaction from his audience. Shock and disgust were as welcome as cheers and applause. His performances grew increasingly animalistic with infamous incidents of defecation and feces hurling. He was also fond of lying mouth-agape below a hooker with a shower of gold.

Was Allin an honest artist? A fearless practitioner of aggressive, unflinching nihilism? We mere tourists at the Clermont only wink and nod at decadence, but GG booked a room. New Wave pussies like Godard could turn fictionalized existential gestures into lyric cinema, but Allin actually went feral and threw his shit around.

Perhaps. Or perhaps he just wasn't quite right in the head. There's a thin line between appreciating outsider art and pointing at retards.

If life is meaningless, what's wrong with fleeting attempts at beauty? At least you can watch Breathless again and again; it's a little hard to throw the same piece of shit twice.

I've only been to the Clermont twice now. I guess I prefer my erections un-ironic. Still, it has its charms.

I might try the karaoke some time and maybe sing "Stardust" or "Misty" or "Lush Life." I'll bring two dollar bills for the strippers and wear my best fedora.

But I'll be sure to crap at home before I go.

Idiot-Free Zone

2009-05-25T13:47:00.002-05:00

The bit I wrote for the new Laughing Skull Comedy Lounge in Atlanta's Midtown Vortex.

An idiot-free zone and contemporary comedy may not always be compatible.

"He's Shared the Stage With Everyone from TBA to TBA"

2009-04-19T09:03:00.004-05:00

That first Don Rickles place holder act is good, but the other two seem kinda hack afterwards.

There's Got To Be A Morning After

2009-04-05T20:33:00.002-05:00

Sadly, the most bitingly relevant satire is also the quickest to age.

Watch Those Store Brands

2009-03-22T21:00:00.005-05:00

You know times are tough when even the girl on my salt canister has a goiter.

Makeshift Signage

2009-03-12T21:54:00.002-05:00

I need some new running shoes.

There's a shoe store in The Old Fourth Ward near where I live, but their sign is kind of faded and has a lot of graffiti on it. It's hard to tell it's a shoe store from the street. So what they do is throw a bag of marijuana over their power line. That way everyone in the neighborhood knows it's a place you can get shoes.

They sell a lot of those basketball shoes with springs in 'em that are supposed to help your jump shot.

And stilettos.

"I'll Even Do Corporate Gigs"

2009-03-02T08:17:00.001-05:00

A successful exposure exercise gains me a new fan.

Maybe I should have stayed at home.

Cleveland's Rocks

2009-02-18T23:10:00.004-05:00

A belated President’s Day tribute to both our nation’s 22^nd and 24^th President, Grover Cleveland. After beginning his career in Buffalo in 1859, Cleveland avoided service in the Civil War by paying a Polish immigrant to serve in his place. While Cleveland’s reputation as a lawyer grew, his substitute joined a New York battalion of Polish cavalrymen famous for always dropping their horses.

As Sheriff of Eerie County, the future president had to oversee the execution of two convicted murderers. He could have paid a deputy to act as hangman but performed the task himself apparently preferring to kill only in peacetime when the other guy couldn’t shoot back.

As President, the man from Buffalo once visited Piedmont Park.

Notice where his hands are.

One As The Hand

2009-02-15T23:31:00.002-05:00

Booker T. Washington once spoke in Piedmont Park. Has he been there lately?

Why'd They Even Get a First Edition?

2009-02-11T22:34:00.011-05:00

Thursday is Charles Darwin's 200th birthday.

Did you know Darwin married his cousin? The discoverer of Natural Selection limited his gene pool. I guess when you discover that all life has a common ancestry, incest is all relative.

Ever the gourmand, Darwin would often cook and eat some of the strange birds and animals he collected. In fact, his sequel to the Origin of Species was an exotic cook book titled Tastes Like Chicken. And to this day the Cobb County library is forced to put a disclaimer on saying "Why not just east chicken?!"

Also, Darwin died kinda stupid.

Denial Ain’t Just a Virulent Strain in Traditional Catholicism

2009-02-01T08:40:00.001-05:00

The Pope has de-excommunicated a bishop who denies the Holocaust. Apparently all women are still unfit for the priesthood but a virulent anti-Semite deserves a second chance.

What to make of a Holocaust-denying priest? He doubts the Holocaust happened … but he's really sure about Jesus. You can trust him on that.

There's more physical, archival and eye-witness evidence of the Shoah. You can even go to Auschwitz and see the gas chambers. I'm pretty sure if you try going to Golgotha they've taken the cross down by now. There might be a cardboard one up for people to pose behind for pictures and stuff, but it's not the original.

But hey, who ya gonna believe: Ellie Wiesel or a vague 1^st Century author known only as "Mark" who heard it from a guy who heard it from a guy who swears he was there?

About the only way to cast further doubt on the Gospels would be to make them an Oprah's Book Club selection. Granted, Ellie Wiesel's book was once an Oprah's Book Club Selection, but that just shows how even Oprah's fallibility is not an infallible standard.

And even a Pope can F up.

The Phases of the Moon

2009-01-25T16:11:00.002-05:00

It's Chinese New Year. Be sure to eat your black-eyed bamboo shoots.

Chinese New Year is based on the Lunar Calendar. The most populous nation on earth can't help but keep track of irregular monthly cycles.

Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata was written during a Waxing Gibbous moon. Mrs. Gibbous later moved to Brazil where her scandalous grooming procedures slanted the other way.

Atlanta: Land of Contrasts

2009-01-21T23:33:00.005-05:00

My annual King Day set at the Star Bar. I guess the idea is to remind the most self-consciously jaded audience in town that an idealist was born a mere 2 miles to the west.

It's my ongoing attempt to give my comedy a sense of place. That place may be a city built by the railroad and sustained by an airport, a metro-wide convention center everyone's just passing through, but there was one person of note actually born here.

Cognitive Dissonance

2009-01-14T22:29:00.003-05:00

The Minimum Wages of Sin

2009-01-11T12:07:00.001-05:00

A professionally flirtatious woman on the corner of Ponce and Myrtle offered certain services for my Department of Commerce Digital Convertor Box Coupon.

I politely declined.

Now to adjust my rabbit ears.

Practicing Word 2007

2009-01-11T11:32:00.003-05:00

My Phlebotomist had the Fidgets

2009-01-04T20:19:00.003-05:00

For the third time, and the 2nd in a row, my bloodletter missed a vein. This meant her twisting the needle around a couple times hoping to catch it again, then giving up and moving to a second vein nearby.

In platelet donation they draw from one arm and send the platelet-less blood back through the other. This meant a triptych of needle marks and the cool-looking bruises from the one that came up dry. Walking through Little Five Points this weekend one of the smack addicts actually warned me to try to kick soon.

Apparently, my veins are a lot like me: they look approachable but if you try to get too close they sometimes turn away. But this is a new year, and they did get their pints. Plus, I think it balances out my phlegm and black bile.

This'll Fix Everything

2009-01-01T10:42:00.003-05:00

Greens for money and black-eyed peas for good luck. I still don't see how the only legume that's a regular victim of domestic abuse is lucky, but when in Southern Rome....

I'm looking forward to the New Year. Heck, I've been writing 2009 on my checks since Nov. 4th.

Now to dance a Strauss waltz with a peg-legged drifter.

Recession or Depression?

2008-12-20T16:24:00.001-05:00

A hobo just stole a pie I had cooling on the window.

Chicago Manual of Style Accepted Kickbacks from Hyphen Manufacturers

2008-12-13T16:58:00.004-05:00

That's the Chicago Way.

Corrections: Apparently the headline for this post should read "Kick-backs." Also, "Chicago-Way" is now the preferred usage.

Punk Rockers Are Getting Old

2008-12-11T07:22:00.001-05:00

About the Authors

2008-12-07T00:10:00.012-05:00

Matthew was a former tax collector and apostle who divided his time between proselytizing the new faith and seasonal work at H&R Block. “Give to Caesar what isn’t deductible” he liked to quip. He wrote the first draft of his Gospel on columnar paper.

Mark was the pen name of Shemu'el a one-time riverboat captain on the Jordan. While his Gospel was quite popular, his sequel about the sacrificial death of Jesus’ sidekick was less so.

Luke, the most literary of the authors, experimented with writing his version in the 2nd person. Then tried giving Jesus limited omniscience. Finally, he just cribbed it all off one of the Gnostics.

John was the most morbidly obese biblical author weighing in at 316. As his revealing dream journal tells, he was fond of spicy late night snacks before bed.

Turn Into the Curve

2008-12-02T23:17:00.003-05:00

City Morgue

2008-11-09T08:43:00.003-05:00

King Tut's coming to the Civic Center. He must be starring in the new Tyler Perry play: Madea Robs a Grave.

They sure do like corpse exhibits at the Civic Center. From The Bodies to The Passion to a really dead boy king. And coming in December it's James Brown.

Now, when I die I don't want no fancy funeral, just dumb my body at 395 Piedmont. You can paint it in stripes or something if that helps.

Voting For Hope at Hope

2008-11-02T19:23:00.004-05:00

I had planned to vote like I tend to orgasm: early. But it turns out that long line outside a government office I spent six hours waiting in last week was actually an unemployment office. Whoops.

Instead, I’ll be at my regular precinct John Hope Elementary on Tuesday. John Hope was a prominent educator born to a white father and black mother. He became the first black president of Atlanta’s Morehouse College and later of the whole Atlanta University complex. Seems like a fitting place.

It’d be like a McCain supporter getting to vote at Erratic, Negative Campaign With a Woefully Unqualified Running Mate High--formerly known as Open Campus.

Imagination is Half The Proof

2008-10-25T15:04:00.002-05:00

Eye, etc.

2008-10-14T20:58:00.001-05:00

A bit about eye doctors ironically filmed from a poorly-lit, shadowy angle.

A Sketch in the Style of Bob and Ray

2008-10-11T19:35:00.003-05:00

(But not as good.)

Ray: Send in the next applicant, please.

Bob (In an adenoidal voice): Hello.

Ray: Ah yes, Mr., uh, is it In-ab Alsabrook?

Bob: It’s pronounced I-nab with a long I.

Ray: I see. That’s a rather unusual name I don’t think I’ve ever seen before. Is it, uh, Welsh?

Bob: It’s nothing actually. My father thought it was biblical but our old testament had a lot of typos.

Ray: Well that certainly explains your interest in our copy editing position.

Bob: Yes, it’s become my life’s calling.

Ray: Mm hmm. Funny, I’ve been to Wales many times and never ran into an Inab. I’m not sure why I thought it could be Welsh.

Bob (obliviously continuing his previous thought): I know firsthand how incorrect printed matter can have dire consequences.

Ray (They are now engaging in alternating monologues): Met a couple Ians and a guy named Renfroe, but I think he was a tourist too. He had a Mickey Mouse t-shirt on and a distinctly southern accent.

Bob: I like to think all the taunts and beatings from schoolyard bullies wouldn’t have been in vain if I can dedicate my life to correcting print.

Ray: Now it says here you know Ward. Is that someone familiar to me you’re using as a reference but decided only to list by his first name?

Bob: That’s supposed to read Word as in Microsoft Word. I know Word.

Ray: Well that certainly calls into question your qualifications as a copy editor.

Bob: I’m sorry, but a lot of the vowels do look alike.

Ray: That’s certainly true, but close attention to detail would have noticed that error and that’s kind of what we look for in a copy editor. Funny, I used to know a Ward McIntyre. He was Scottish.

Bob: I certainly hope you won’t let this stand in the way of my life’s work.

Ray: Well I’ll certainly keep this on file. Is this your correct e-mail: Inab@ool.com?

Bob: That’s supposed to read aol.com.

Ray: Well there again, that doesn’t give me much confidence in your abilities. But if we receive no other applicants for copy editor whose resumes are less riddled with errors than yours, we’ll be in touch. Thank you.

The End

Goodbye Cruel Scottdale

2008-10-09T06:46:00.002-05:00

Why does Meetup keep sending me notices about new suicide pacts? And way the hell out in Scottdale? I gotta fill up first? No thanks.

I know the depressive economy has been put on watch--no belts or laces for Wall St. for awhile--but this is America. What kind of electro-shock therapy might Ben Franklin have tinkered up for himself? How would self-reliant Emerson have self-medicated? What minority group would Henry Ford have blamed?

Besides, I wouldn't want to belong to any suicide pact that would have me as a member.

Oh Brother, Who Endorseth Thou?

2008-10-07T19:41:00.002-05:00

Bluegrass legend Ralph Stanley is doing commercials for Obama.

Ironically, if McCain wins I hear his inaugural address will be titled "Oh Death, Won't Ya Spare Me Over 'Til Another Year."

Last Monday Night

2008-10-05T13:30:00.002-05:00

A Star Bar set so obviously Not Safe for Work. The Star Bar is part punk rock bar, part hipster honkytonk and part neighborhood dive bar. The pre-karaoke comedy tends toward the sick--which can get a bit tedious after awhile--but on its best nights the comics feel liberated to each do their own thing and the audience appreciates being given some credit.

For stand-up in Atlanta, it's the smartest room in town.
Live at the Star Bar 09-29-08

Tonight's Episode: Who's Buried in Grant's Tomb

2008-09-21T20:12:00.003-05:00

In my exceptionally brief tenure with Agatha’s: A Taste of Mystery I convinced them to experiment with the theories of Antonin Artaud by attempting Dinner Theatre of Cruelty.

We'd present between-courses scenes of brutal gestures and searing physical honesty. To heighten the scorched-earth aesthetic of an art stripped of artifice in a world with a posthumous God, I’d solve infuriatingly obvious mysteries as detective “No Shit” Sherlock.

Soon after they relocated.

Cata-Strophic

2008-09-16T19:44:00.002-05:00

Sadly, Haiti's summer seemed to follow popular song structure:

First Verse

Hurricane

Second Verse

Hurricane

Bridge

Hurricane

Hurricane Repeats

Okay God, try your hand at a more temperate and challenging sonata-allegro form for a while.

McCain Recycles

2008-09-14T14:34:00.000-05:00

HPV-TV

2008-09-09T06:58:00.002-05:00

My HPV vacine hunk--also known as The Cervical Polyp Bit--as revived at the Star Bar recently. It risks seeming sick and misogynistic in order to make a larger point. I hope.

BTW, I think I might change my stage name to The Gesticulator!

If I Ever Play the Dozens with Prince Charles

2008-09-07T10:42:00.002-05:00

Yo mama's so fat the sun never sets on her.

Yo mama's so old there will always be her.

Yo mama's monarchy is so limited it's only allowed in the first trimester.

Yo mama's so nominally the head of the Anglican church her pantyhose are about to schism.

Yo mama's an irrelevant, vestigial remnant of an ancient, aristocratic past. And ugly.

The Majestic Diner

2008-08-31T18:32:00.001-05:00

My little tribute to the diner down on Ponce that's been sobering up this city for almost 80 years.

I Approve This Message

2008-08-22T06:45:00.000-05:00

Mandatory Olympic Gags

2008-08-14T20:36:00.005-05:00

Did these Monday night but my recorder wasn't working. Just imagine a restless crowd of drunken hipsters staring archly.

The Olympics sure look exciting, don't they? Atlanta should bid for them. Wouldn't it be cool to see Atlanta host the Olympics? It might improve our human rights record.

It's dusty in Beijing. Even the songbirds sound like Tom Waits.

President Bush and his dad were in Beijing for the games. Guess they wanted to enjoy the last days of the Bush Dynasty in a land that gives a shit about dynasties.

Honestly, did H.W. have to let his son run for office too, couldn't they have just played T-ball or something? But I get the feeling even if they did just play T-ball there'd still be tens of thousands of Iraqi dead.

Nature Abhors a Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

2008-08-05T18:15:00.002-05:00

In 2005 Hurricane Katrina severely damaged the Oreck Vacuum factory in Long Beach, MS forcing its eventual relocation.
In 2006 Don “Okie” Dokey’s Dust Busters, Dust Buster Repairs and Meth store in Burnt Draft Card, Oklahoma was destroyed by a sandstorm. Over 50 balladeers have written songs about it.
In June of 2008, Wet Vac World of Cedar Rapids was flooded out.
Due to a genetic condition inventor/entrepreneur James Dyson is unable to use a straw.
In his arrogant rebellion against Dirt God, the Dirt Devil was cast out of paradise and forced to crawl on his belly and eat dust all the days of his life.

Only the Stillborn Die Young

2008-07-27T16:35:00.002-05:00

Had an idea for a bit today called The Bush Doctrine. It was to go like this:

"President Bush is still worried about his legacy. After nearly eight years of a disastrous foreign policy, a failed economic agenda and borderline illiteracy, President Bush has announced the term he'd like historians to use when describing his presidency: The Aristocrats!

"So the whole presidency was just one long really sick joke? He was being ironic the whole time? For fuck's sake. I just hope you hipsters are happy. Trucker hats ain't so funny now, are they?"

Sadly, after a quick search to check its originality I see it's been done.

Darn. Guess I'll go back to directing my anger inward.

Somebody Hacked My IMDB Listing

2008-07-24T20:49:00.006-05:00

Brian Bannon

Filmography Actor:

OZ (2003) Season 6, Episode 7 “Fresh Meat Arrives”.... Fresh Meat
Prisoners’ Behind Bars (2006) .... Snake’s Bitch
Tyler Perry’s House of Payne (2007) Season 2, Episode 956 “A Payne in the Ass” .... Anal Rape Victim 2
Georgia Lottery Commercial (2008) .... Fidgety Guy Buying Scratch-Off Ticket

For the record, I have NEVER been in a lottery commercial.

Ever.

Brian Nichols for Sheriff?

2008-07-15T23:59:00.005-05:00

The scandal-plagued Fulton County Sheriff's Office was on the ballot yesterday. With nine candidates running, the list ran longer than the Deputies Exam.

I considered writing in Brian Nichols--the alleged Fulton County Courthouse Shooter. He certainly has a knack for uncovering lapses in county security. And with his court proceedings threatening to last a full 4-year term, why not put him to work? Every life needs a purpose, right?

Instead I just picked one of the candidates without a folksy nickname in quotes.

But what's with that county surveyor guy running unopposed? Have you seen his plats?! All smeared, smudged and chicken scratched? It's like he wipes his ass with 'em or something. Where's a John "Can Draw" Doe or a Joe "Pretty Plats" Six Pack when you need him?

Carlin--A Star Bar Tribute

2008-06-25T17:48:00.001-05:00

George Carlin was the elder statesmen of anti-authoritarianism.

The Star Bar hosts the most anti-authoritarian comedy night in Atlanta. (For good and ill.)

Hence, this localized appreciation:

Summer in Little Five Points

2008-06-22T20:53:00.003-05:00

Still been busy. But here's a warts-and-all set from a couple weeks ago at the Star Bar.

I did a full 8 minutes and got paid 50 bucks. My career has peaked.

Daryll Dexter--Associated Press Correspondent

2008-06-08T10:48:00.003-05:00

From the AP: Stranded scuba divers stave off Komodo dragon.

Now an interview with reporter Daryll Dexter:

We're fortunate to have with us the AP reporter for this Komodo Dragon story Dr. Daryll Dexter. And Doctor, I understand there was some kind of incident involving a Komodo dragon. Would you tell us about this incident involving a Komodo dragon, please?

JAKARTA, Indonesia - A group of European scuba divers swept away in strong currents scrambled onto a remote Indonesian island only to face another threat: a Komodo dragon.

A port official said Sunday the divers from Britain, France and Sweden were able to scare off the giant lizard by pelting it with rocks and pieces of wood.

So where did this incident take place?

JAKARTA, Indonesia. It seems a group of European scuba divers swept away in strong currents scrambled onto a remote Indonesian island only to face another threat: a Komodo dragon.

The port official said Komodo dragons often come out when they smell something new, including humans, whom they've been known to kill.

Now I read somewhere that many lizard have a sense of smell. Do Komodo dragons smell?

Komodo dragons often come out when they smell something new, including humans, whom they've been known to kill.

But they’re not dangerous to humans, correct?

They have been know to kill humans. Fortunately these divers from Britain, France and Sweden were able to scare off the giant lizard by pelting it with rocks and pieces of wood.

The five divers were swept away by treacherous currents after plunging into the water from their wooden boat on Thursday afternoon. They hit shore 12 hours later, after drifting 20 miles in shark-infested waters.

And you say the Komodo dragon is native to Britain and France?

The Komodo dragon is found in Indonesia. This incident took place on the remote island of Rinca before the divers were rescued.

Well I think we’ve pretty much exhausted the subject. Thank you Dr. Dexter.

The Bob and Ray Sketch.

Scroll Down for an Audio version.

Stag-Felation

2008-06-03T19:31:00.004-05:00

I was at a party one night in the back room of Studio 54 watching iconic 1970s movie star Steve McQueen do a line of coke off Playboy Playmate Dorothy Stratten's breasts. I said to him “Ya know, I can’t help but wonder if all this 70s hedonism isn’t just a desperate attempt by guilt-stricken Americans to forget about the tragedy of Vietnam.”

Steve said, “Hey, if Nixon had gotten laid and LBJ had gotten high, we never would have stayed in Vietnam. ‘Course, then the Soviets would have invaded, we’d all be too high to notice and you and I would be in a reeducation camp right now. But besides, that’s what Jimmy Carter is for. With a devout Christian as president—one who believes in God and human rights and never lies—the rest of the country can fuck its brains out and not feel guilty.”

Back then everyone found a way to defend any kind of decadence. That night the Studio screened an underground bestiality film that claimed to have a social message. It was called Stag-Felation and involved someone in a Spiro Agnew mask with a shirt that said “Will Natter Your Nabob for Hey” attempting to felate an unbroken stallion while interstitials of swirling newspaper headlines blared “Wages and Employment Drop!” Thus a cheap animal exploitation act became an economic metaphor for the times.

At the end of the decade, Steve got cancer and went down to Mexico to try and cure it with coffee enemas. Imagine, the star of Bullitt taking a cappuccino up the ass. Dorothy was soon killed by her estranged husband—a guy so obsessed with celebrity and nightlife he couldn’t stand the idea of being left off the list. She was only 20. But hey, at least for a couple years in her brief, tragic life she was really stacked. And who knows, there may be no finer existentialist gesture.

Keep on truckin'.

Draggin' My Nuckles

2008-05-26T17:03:00.002-05:00

This Saturday marks my return to burlesque. Syrens of the South--a more recent addition to Atlanta's ever-burgeoning burlesque scene--will present a night of dancers through the ages interspersed by comedians stuck in time. I'm to play a 70s lounge comic.

After Bill Murray's lounge singer, Andy Kaufman's Tony Clifton and the new hipster fav Neil Hamburger, it's a little hard to find a new take on the smarmy creep.

I'll likely slick my hair back and wear a loud shirt buttoned only to the navel--nothing innovative there. But after one of my own overwritten dick jokes--the Agnes Scott bit!--I might segue into a brief reflection on the appeal and the emptiness of the swinger life. It's that still-vulgar but ham-fistedly lyrical style I like to think is my "mature" period.

Or maybe I'll just wear a funny wig and fall down.

There'll also be puppets, a guy doing Jesus as a stand-up and plenty o' pasties.

Suggested Writing Assignments

2008-05-17T14:02:00.005-05:00

For Bill Taft's most recent Another Evening With the Garbagemen spoken word night there were two:

Write an “artist’s statement” about your work.
Write a supershort story using the first line “I had no idea it was gonna burn that fast.”

I chose the second and wrote this:

I had no idea it was gonna burn that fast.
It took longer to find a clean CD-R than it took to render the whole Requiem--a favorite by Fauré foraged from the library.
An illicit copy was so easy to obtain--ripped and returned a full week before its due date.
The Pie Jesu runs four minutes but burned in less than one—“Compassionate Christ” compressed in a clip.
And now its gentle grieving is mine to mourn at my leisure--from Introit to In Paradisum.
May God forgive my crime.

My Non-Whiskey Voice

2008-05-13T11:53:00.001-05:00

If A Tree Branch Falls on a Parked Shitty Car In Inman Park...

2008-05-11T18:58:00.004-05:00

How many windshield cracks can you have before it becomes an affectation?

I shall replace my increasingly warped view, but have some timing belts that sound more pressing.

At least I'm not as pretentiously poorer-than-thou as that guy over on Elmira whose 95 Corsica now sports a plywood back left door and a La Quinta Inn hand towel gas cap.

I wonder if there are any really shitty used Priuses out there yet.

A Person Of Note

2008-05-07T21:07:00.002-05:00

Been busy lately. In some boring, tedious ways and some wonderful, new ways.

I'd thought about filling up some cyber-space by posting a favorite old sketch of mine but it's a bit long and would require a lot of scrolling down. (Nobody scrolls down anymore.)

It was a spoof of the Maltese Falcon set in a check cash run by Bolt Lead, Notary Public. The idea was a hard-nosed, no-nonsense notary who took his entry-level legal duties way too seriously. A couple years later I actually became a notary for my day job. I try not to take it too seriously.

Once I took my stamp to the Star Bar and offered to notarize any lady's chest for the standard $2 fee. I got one drunken client but she wanted to pay with a money order.

Maybe I'll revive the sketch somewhere or record it as an audio piece. If I have the time. Meanwhile, I've got some assigned reading to do.

Hourly Rates Available

2008-04-29T22:11:00.003-05:00

A couple pictures from the Inman Park festival parade.

I once saw a guy on Ponce picking up a hooker in a Zipcar.

I guess if you live close to MARTA and only need a car to pick up a hooker now and then Zipcar is a greener way to go.

Zimbabwe Shaking Toner Again

2008-04-20T22:31:00.002-05:00

In his recent Independence Day speech, Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe noted one of the problems with printing more and more money in defiance of inflation.

"Our mint is out of toner. We must print more money to pay for new toner. We will try shaking the old toner again. We will pass a law forcing the Harare Cartridge World to accept smeared and faded Zimbabwe dollars so we can buy new toner.

Also, Morgan Tsvangirai is a tool of the west."

No, Neither

2008-04-14T22:27:00.004-05:00

I was on a hotel balcony in Amsterdam once with jazz trumpeter and vocalist Chet Baker and Second City Improv guru Del Close. Del turns to Chet and says “Fall, then figure out what to do on the way down.”

So Chet fell, but all he could think to do was let out a detached, achingly delicate “Ohhhh Shiiiit” that was the very essence of cool.

I said to Del, “You irresponsible prick. You’re always trying to glamorize self-destruction. Suicide is not good theatre. It’s solipsistic, self-indulgent and shows no concern for the community at large. If anything, suicide is film.”

Del said, “You’re negating again. You’ve got to learn to Yes, And.”

At the time I was in a short-lived Improv troupe called The Mumbling Introverts. It was a couple guys from my Social Anxiety support group and me. We did it as an “exposure exercise.” Instead of Yes, And—the discipline of accepting any choice a scene partner makes and adding to it—we tended to No, Neither—negating each others’ choices plus something else for good measure. A typical scene went like this:

Dave: Uh… so ... um … (unintelligible).

Me: What?

Dave: I said, aren’t you like a doctor or something?

Me: ...No … And I’m not gay neither.

That was always the second thing I’d negate. Our scenes were very short.

Today, I'm trying to go with the flow a little more and negating life less. But I still think Del was an irresponsible prick most of the time.

His skull was willed to a Chicago theatre to play Yorick in productions of Hamlet. Turns out his skull wasn't quite right for the part and a stand-in is used. Chet's skull was rendered down to about 2 ounces of ash and nearly a full kilo of black tar heroin. And my own cranium is about 5 years away from its first aneurysm. But what can ya do?

… and scene.

Judgment

2008-04-03T06:51:00.002-05:00

vs. being judgmental. Slide show with audio recorded live at the Star Bar Monday 03-31-08.

The U.S. Conference of Obscure Mayors

2008-03-27T20:41:00.002-05:00

One of my rejected sketches from a local show. Their loss. (Or my shame.)

Sue: Hi everyone. Welcome to the annual U.S. Conference of Obscure Mayors. I’m this year’s conference chair Sue Vermillion, the mayor of Bumfuck, Idaho. For this informal meet and greet I thought we could just go around the room and introduce ourselves and talk about some of the problems facing our obscure towns. I’ll go first. I’d have to say the biggest problem in Bumfuck is transients. We have a large homeless population in Bumfuck and the local residents tend to fornicate with them. ‘Course, I can’t really blame our citizens. There’s not much else to do in Bumfuck so when a mysterious drifter blows through town it’s kind of arousing.

Mayor of Simpleton: I’ve heard of East Bumfuck. Is your town near there?

Sue: Yes, we’re just west of East Bumfuck.

Mayor of Simpleton: Oh.

Sue: Have we met?

Mayor of Simpleton: I don’t know. I’m the Mayor of Simpleton.

Sue: Did we go to college together?

Mayor of Simpleton: Oh no. I’ve never been near a university. Never took a paper or a learned degree.

Sue: Well, how are things in Simpleton?

Mayor of Simpleton: Our standardized test scores are pretty low. … But we’ve got love.

Sue: That’s nice.

Mayor of Hicksville: I’m the Mayor of Hicksville, Kentucky. We’re a pretty rural community. Most of our young people move out after high school. We’re hoping our new Iron Lung Museum might bring in some tourism.

Sue: Is mining your biggest employer?

Mayor of Hicksville: Used to be. Now it’s novelty items with derogatory depictions of the rural south. Here's an Elderly Couple with Goiters set of salt and pepper shakers.

Mayor of Steaming Pile: I’m the Mayor of Steaming Pile, Arizona.

Sue: And how are things in Steaming Pile?

Mayor of Steaming Pile: We’ve got a lot of flies.

Sue: And how about you?

Mayor #5: I’m the Mayor of Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here. I don’t know where to begin with my town’s problems. I’m just glad to be away for a few days.

Sue: Wait a minute. There’s no town called Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here. What’s your city’s real name?

Mayor #5: (Reluctantly) … Rockford, Illinois.

Sue: Oh my, I am sorry. Let me buy you a drink. In fact, why don’t we all retire to the hotel bar, that’s why we chose this La Quinta.

The End

My Tornado Hunk

2008-03-23T22:52:00.002-05:00

My set about the tornado hitting Atlanta recorded Monday 3/17/08. The pictures are my own but there are also a couple screen grabs I snuck in since I didn't get enough shots of Vine City.

And That Vein Looks A Little Leaky.

2008-03-16T19:41:00.002-05:00

I Haven't Seen a Phallus This Cankered Since...

2008-03-16T17:10:00.004-05:00

I used to work the vice squad with Sharky.

Reminds me of a bit I used to do:
Ye Olde Carribean Grocery Bit

Carbon Footprints in the Sand

2008-03-12T18:37:00.003-05:00

Those new carbon footprint labels that tell all about the emissions and other ills released in the making of our favorite food products can be quite a shock. Who knew Dutch Windmill Cookies could be so socially irresponsible?

Hoef en Mund Farms Dutch Windmill Cookies are baked in coal-fired stoves. The butter comes from downer cows and the almonds are picked by heroin-addicted prostitutes in Amsterdam’s Red Light District from trees planted in Handicap Parking spots. The dough is cut by a coal-powered industrial cookie cutter shaped like a windmill and manned by an elderly woman we pay off the books and only by the gross. The cookies are shipped in small lots on an oversized, coal-fueled steamship once owned by the guy who turned in Anne Frank. May contain peanuts, gluten, soy and coal.

February vs. March

2008-03-04T23:55:00.003-05:00

One whole minute of stand-up from last night at the Star Bar. (There were others.)

That Month of the Time

Add to My Profile | More Videos

Road Trip to Athens

2008-02-27T20:46:00.003-05:00

Our pal Pete McBrayer out in Athens wrote to remind me and "my cronies" that the fun little show he runs at Flicker is monthly. The bar has a classic movie theme and the show sports a refreshingly quirkier vibe than most in Atlanta. Even wrestler/comic Shane "Canadian Shiek" Mackey and bouncer/comic Mason Jenkins--my cronies last time--enjoyed the creative but unpretentious hipster vibe. The next show is March 18th and I'm scrounging up a carpool now.

Pete's also justly proud of his younger brother Jack. The 30 Rock star now featured in Mariah Carey's latest video:

My first job after a panic-stricken attempt at Grad School was at a warehouse in South Dekalb. They piped Lite Rock station B 98.5 in through the speakers as a compromise between the various urban, rock and country station factions. I became quite familiar with Ms. Carey's more mainstream oeuvre--especially "Love Takes Time" which always followed Billy Ocean's "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car" every afternoon about 2:15.

This new track looks a bit risque for non-threatening workplace background music, but maybe they'll sneak it in just before the Friday 5 O'clock Whistle. Still, it's nice to see a local boy make good.

My own brother once met Dottie West.

Putting the Party in Oscar Night

2008-02-22T19:57:00.005-05:00

Once a year or so I delude myself into thinking I can do well somewhere other than the Star Bar. It's time to prove myself wrong again.

"Comedy Gold" at
The Warren City Club
818 N Highland Ave
Atlanta, Ga. 30306
ph: 404-475-1991
web: www.thewarrencityclub.com
(Above the Dark Horse Tavern at corner of N Highland & Greenwood Ave.)

Come early for amazing continental cuisine.
Doors @ 7
Show @ 8
Tickets $10

Some local comics have started a Sunday night show in Virginia Highland--another one of Atlanta's long-standing intown neighborhoods that I've never played. (I need to do a set in West End before I die. And maybe Ben Hill.)

They booked me anonymously through a Myspace message and must've right-clicked that pic of me from my Sevananda Girl post. Apparently they hadn't seen this:

Or my Streetcar audition shot:

I was gonna spend the weekend adding slides to audio from my Star Bar set last Monday--it was a Lenten theme--but now I guess I'll have to figure out how to entertain the Atkins Park/Limerick Junction/Bill Hallman/Alon's Bakery crowd.

Hmm, open with Gluten-Free Yeast Infection or save that for the closer?

Ice Cream

2008-02-19T06:29:00.003-05:00

Thought I'd try uploading to Superdeluxe since they're local.

The sound is a bit better than most Youtube videos, but the lighting and static visuals aren't a match for Superdeluxe's professional standards. Plus it's just a bit, not an acted sketch or anything special. The model was Woody Allen talking directly to the camera in Annie Hall. I suppose it can lend an intimacy to dark subject matter, but seems kind of empty without the long, single-take scenes of several neurotic characters talking. Or even just some hot jazz over the alphabetical credits.

Oh well.

My Most Phallic Object

2008-02-17T16:45:00.007-05:00

If Georgia O'Keeffe did my neck shot. (Or maybe Alfred Stieglitz.)

Lincoln's Melancholy

2008-02-13T20:18:00.002-05:00

Already posted on Myspace, but I'll put it here for President's Day. And for tomorrow's inevitable blues.

Maybe I'll find a heads-up penny outside the liquor store.

Add to My Profile | More Videos

My Soul Mate

2008-02-08T07:09:00.000-05:00

Animated Stand-up on Valentine's Day themes with audio as muddy and harsh as my world-weary neighborhood.

undefined My Soul Mate

Add to My Profile | More Videos

A Film by Jean Vigo

2008-02-06T21:01:00.001-05:00

L'Atalante

Jean Vigo's earlier films included T'ermininus and M'arthathasville.

Fat Tuesday--Alternate Take

2008-02-05T20:13:00.000-05:00

Now I can give up voting for lent.

(Unless there's some kind of Bush recall thing.)

Portrait of the Artist as a Middle-Aged Drunk

2008-02-02T20:07:00.000-05:00

Today is James Joyce's birthday.

I dropped by his eponymously-named pub in Avondale Estates to raise a pint in his honor. Nobody knew.

Neither the bartender nor the manager nor the sprightly young waitress/actress who inexplicably played my mother in a show last Dec.--despite being 12 years my junior--were aware.

The Joyce does do something on Bloomsday, but chose to ignore my fellow Celtic Aquarian's birth. No luck for the Irish I guess.

I'm now back at home drinking a beer from Kenya--another part of the commonwealth experiencing some Troubles. Here's to abandoning the worst of petty provincialism and making exuberant, universal art.

Local Endorsements

2008-02-02T12:35:00.000-05:00

Hipster hangout (or suburban Goth kids' home away from home) the Junkman's Daughter gives the nod to Hillary...

While Aurora Coffee patrons opt for Obama...

And curmudgeonly contrary Vortex Bar and Grill remains steadfast in its support of Dick Cheney.

An Die Musik

2008-01-31T07:01:00.000-05:00

It's Schubert's birthday.

He wrote some stirring symphonies and sublime chamber works.

But it's those songs that really get ya. Sincere and direct but artfully-crafted and never sacherine.

He was very good at what he did.

Sins of My Old Age

2008-01-27T19:52:00.000-05:00

This Looks Like a Clean, Well-Lighted Place

2008-01-24T20:43:00.000-05:00

What Year Were the Olympics Again?

2008-01-24T20:36:00.001-05:00

Snow In L5P

2008-01-23T07:54:00.000-05:00

I need to speak clearer or move the mic back.

Snow!

2008-01-19T22:12:00.000-05:00

It snowed today in Atlanta.

A good day to try out my new camera:

More photos over at Myspace.

A Shock of White

2008-01-16T07:26:00.001-05:00

My long, grey eyebrow has returned after a previous plucking. I may let it cloud my vision henceforth.

I'm looking more like Susan Sontag every year.

But nowhere near enough.

Organized Non-Violence

2008-01-15T07:20:00.000-05:00

Audio recorded Jan. 15, 2006. Pictures taken this past weekend.

Yes, There is Such A Place

2008-01-12T20:36:00.001-05:00

Wouldn't You Like To Have a Fix Too?

2008-01-08T22:22:00.000-05:00

Everybody knows that the original formula for Coca Cola had actual cocaine, but did you know the original formula for Dr. Pepper called for morphine? And it was endorsed by Pope Leo XIII?

Leo XIII says: "At last! An opiate for the masses."

Okay, I made it up.

Ooph. Who keeps publishing these things?

2008-01-06T08:29:00.000-05:00

Will There Be Blood?

2008-01-05T14:07:00.001-05:00

Bush's last State of the Union Speech is coming up.

Hey local Atlanta satirists, let's put on a show!

A People's History of the Village People

2008-01-03T21:42:00.000-05:00

By Howard Zinn

In 1977, one year after the 200^th anniversary of America’s incomplete and hypocritical revolution to bring only a modicum of civil liberties to white male property owners, a French immigrant named Jacques Morali sought to manufacture a popular music act that could entertain a nation still reeling from its disastrous and illegal war with Vietnam.

Named for New York’s Bohemian Greenwich Village, the Village People used propulsive, non-agrarian rhythms and urban, post-industrial lyrics to gain a mass following. But it was the vocational make-up of its members that proved most memorable. The group showed a soft-rock-softened nation that the working classes would not be silenced.

Led by a policeman—perhaps the most recognizable of all civil servants—the group’s supporting members were a grand coalition of proletarian archetypes:

The Construction Worker—likely a skilled tradesman and union member constantly fighting profit-mad capitalists for decent wages and basic workplace safety.
The Cowboy—a migrant farm worker.
The Soldier/Sailor—no doubt enlisted or drafted into service to fight the unjust wars of the privileged elite.
The Leatherman/Biker—a latter-day Thoreau marching to the beat of a different drum machine and conscientiously using all parts of the cow.

And

The Indigenous Person.

The group’s songs were accessible, used the language of the vernacular and were easy to skate to. “YMCA,” their biggest hit, is a celebration of collectivism at the local level. “Can’t Stop The Music” is a call to resistance. And “Macho Man” exhorts men to “live a life of freedom” and to “go man go” thus defining masculinity in terms of liberation.

Today, the Village People’s prominence has waned and its membership has changed since its founding over three decades ago. But it continues to give voice and hope to the exploited—and sexually fluid--masses at state fairs and local PBS affiliate pledge drives.

F*** Ron Paul

2007-12-29T08:09:00.000-05:00

Stand-up from the Star Bar animated with slides.

F*** Ron Paul

Add to My Profile | More Videos

This Year's Christmas Card

2007-12-19T21:37:00.000-05:00

A little late to mail, but here it is.