A New Toaster

Got a new toaster for x-mas. What thoughtful distant relatives.

Toast has been an oddly inspiring source of comedy. From Bob & Ray’s “House of Toast” to “Toast on a Stick” on Late Night With David Letterman.

But there’s something sadistic about a toaster, its heat applied vertically. A(n?) heretical slice of wheat and flax seed (it’s supposed to help depression) stands immobilized but upright as wire torches burn Papal authority into it’s whole grain hide. Eventually the victim succumbs—with a range of defiance from 1 to 7--and abruptly ascends marked by the sign of the One True Church or at least a crisp tan.

Previously, I’d just make toast in my George Foreman--that way all the grease drains off. But now I own an invention whose sole purpose is to torture man's greatest invention--sliced bread.