Petty Theft Auto

Who’d want to steal a ’93 Oldsmobile? The book value was less than $800. Heading to the East Atlanta Strut—more of a detached, ironic saunter—it was parked on Haas Ave., a name I used to associate exclusively with refinement and education. In the time it took to hear a couple Americana bands, try the new stingray pot pie at Australian Bakery Café and thrill to the novelty of open containers on Flat Shoals, somebody swiped it. Could it be a rabid fan of the short Aliens Among Us where it was the stunt car in the heart-pounding “lots of eccentrics in a shitty car” scene? A vindictive rival seeking to rid me of the opening bit from my only decent Punchline set:

Much like a Chinese dissident, it was likely stripped for parts.

Alabama native and Atlanta open mic legend Melvin Hardin used to work at the soon-to-close Doraville assembly plant which used to make Oldsmobiles. In response to my queries he said it was possible my car was built there. He added “this old Alabama woman used to make lemonade by squeezing the lemons with her thighs. She seemed like a lot of fun but was kind of a sour puss.”

Anybody know of a used Ford Taurus or Mercury Sable for sale?