Found in the Archives

A character I considered trying sometime in early 20001. A kind of foppish def jammer. I think I couldn't find a seersucker suit and just abandoned the idea.

Character to Try at Uptown Comedy Corner

Mr. H. O. N. Key

(Dressed in a slightly dandyish suit with a bow tie and speaking in a pinched, aristocratic manner)

"I say good ladies and gentlemen. I should like to begin with a query to all the fellows here this evening. What wine goes best with pussy? A certain wine steward friend of mine, who is not afraid to use his tongue, insists that a pinot noire goes down best when going down. However, I still prefer a modest chardonnay when in for a quick bit of clit licking. Unless it is her time of the month, in which case a red wine seems more appropriate. “If she’s having her flow/ Try a merlot” I always say.

Now if it’s a particularly skank coochie a hearty fortified wine might be necessary. But lest you ladies think me uncouth I should point out that I prefer not to think of it as a skank coochie. I simply think of it as Cajun style. After all, it does rather smell like crawfish.

But speaking of a particularly skank coochie, how about that President Bush? Is he perchance the only Texas retard they have not yet executed? Aha ha. Imagine the gall of that man, strutting about as if he were our legitimate president even though he lost the popular vote. Half a million more Americans voted for the other chap than voted for him—and that’s not even counting the people that fucked-up their ballots. Why I’d wager there are crack babies born more legitimate than this presidency—and at least they have a mandate. For when a crack baby is born it knows what it is supposed to do: cry out for that sweet, sweet crack. Then shake about with its cute little baby D.T.’s. Why, a crack baby is ready from day one to start jonesing. But what in God’s name was President Coochie’s mandate? To remain the American people’s second choice? Pish posh, I say.

But you must excuse me now. I met a gentleman in the parking lot who said he had something blunt to offer me. And I do so love no-holds-barred discussion. So cheerio and just remember, if she likes it up the arse just make sure she wipes. Ta ta."