Mongering Hipster Fears

Last night was to be Jim Stacy’s last as co-host and house heckler for the Star Bar’s Monday night pre-karaoke comedy. I used to do that show every week. Then I cut back to once in awhile. Then in January I turned 36 and decided to quit. It's one thing to be the only guy with neither a tattoo nor a stash of weed, but I was now passed the default age search range on Myspace. Pretty soon I'd be like that creepy guy who sings "Wild Horses" every week. I’m on the backside of 30, time to head to Manuel’s.

But to wish Jim well, I relented for a night. In a brilliant bit of sentiment squashing, Jim failed to show. (Someone took ill.) Still, I’d spent 2 days cranking out sight-specific gags so I did a set. The opening hunk played on the regulars' fears upon the bar's recent sale to the owners of Buckhead's CJ’s Landing.

Here's a transcript:

“The Star Bar’s been sold.”

Boo!

“It’s gonna be the new CJ’s Landing. I hear they’re gonna tear out the Elvis shrine and put in one to Dave Matthews.”

Boo!

“Well, it could hasten his death."

Huzzah!

"And they’ll be replacing PBR with Natural Light.”

Boo!

“You’ll have to valet park your ’83 Tercel.
Cock Night will be replaced by Auburn Team Trivia.
Bubbapalooza will become an annual 3-day mortgage-refinancing seminar.
Half the guys with tongue-studs will have fraternity rings in there.”

Boo!

“And when your tongue stud’s from Jostens… it’s just not the same, is it?”

No!

Date rape will replace rape.
There’ll be 21 different kinds of really fruity martinis—but not one will have a chicken wing.”

Boo!

“The new Tuesday night DJ will be Ron Hudspeth.”

Dead Silence

“And the comedy will finally be replaced by Texas Hold 'em."

Huzzah!