Bush Leaves Dog in Car With Windows Rolled Up

In the latest of a string of scandals plaguing his administration, the White House acknowledged that President Bush left his dog in the back of a 97 Camry while shopping at the Tysons Corner Center in Fairfax, Virginia Sunday. The dangerous heat and lack of a substantial air crack in the window has drawn strong bipartisan criticism. “This is terribly irresponsible on the part of the president,” said Terry Johnson, president of the Fairfax County ASPCA. “On even a mild day of 73 degrees, temperatures in a car can reach 120 in less than a half hour. Had the president been gone much longer, that dog could have died.”

Eyewitness Merle Alsabrook said he was once a supporter of the president but could not defend his actions. “He didn’t even park in the shade. He just parked it by Sears right out in the sun.” White House Communications Director Dan Bartlett confirmed the location saying, “The President prefers parking by Sears and walking through as it’s actually faster than trying to find a spot by the food court.” The White House noted the President was “in and out” at the mall purchasing only some socks, handkerchiefs and a take-out order from Wok N' Roll. “The president ate the Sesame Chicken at home. He even threw the dog a couple bites,” insisted Bartlett.

That may not be enough to satisfy critics. “I’m a hunter and voted for Bush to protect the rights of gun owners,” said Alsabrook. “But no decent sportsman would treat their own dog like that. Then there’s Iraq.”

In an alternate universe I never leave Wisconsin but instead attend the UW-Madison, begin doing comedy earlier and eventually get to contribute to the Madison-born Onion. I then become morbidly obese from the cholesterol-rich diet and sedentary winters and die at 33. Oh, what might have been.