The Network Printer

My other sketch to make the recently-closed Free Parking show at Dad's Garage. A modest attempt at something absurdist--not my humor's strong point.

A few weeks after writing it I finally "read" Joseph Heller's epic exploration of absurdity Catch-22. Since I couldn't have been directly influenced by Heller I must've been influenced by his influence the Marx Brothers.

A Werewolf, A Blind Man with a Seeing Eye Dog, A Man Eating a Large Box of Oat Bran and Julie are seated as the Office Manager addresses them.

Office Manager: Mr. Werewolf, Mr. Blind Man with a Seeing Eye Dog, Mr. Man Eating a Large Box of Oat Bran and Julie. Someone in this office has been leaving their, ahem, droppings by the network printer. (Waits a beat) Julie?

Julie: What?

Office Manager: Did you leave droppings by the network printer?

Julie: No. Why would you think it was me?

Office Manager: Well you are the only woman in the office.

Julie: What does that have to do with anything?

Office Manager: Well if it wasn’t you than who else could it be?

Julie: Who else? There’s a werewolf, a blind man with a Seeing Eye dog and a guy eating a box oat bran?

Office Manager: Yes but none of them are women.

Julie: So? You really suspect me more than the dog?

Office Manager: What reason would a dog have to leave his droppings by the network printer?

Julie: ‘Cause that’s what dogs do.

Office Manager: Fine, I’ll ask his owner. Blind Man, did you see your dog leave his droppings by the network printer?

Blind Man: No.

Julie: Well of course he didn’t see the dog do it, he’s blind!

Biffy the Werewolf Shooter enters

Biffy: I’m Biffy the Werewolf Shooter. I’ve been chosen by fate to do battle with the forces of darkness. Specifically werewolves but metaphorically the horrors and anxieties that affect all young women and teens. I’ve got a silver bullet with somebody’s name on it.

She points the gun at Julie.

Biffy Continued: Get ready to say your last aaoooooooo.

Julie: What are you blind? I’m not a werewolf.

Biffy: Well if you’re not who is?

The Werewolf has stood up and walked almost offstage. He’s squatting but his head remains in sight.

Julie: That’s him over there. Taking a dump by the network printer.

Office Manager (To Julie): See what you’ve started?

Biffy aims the gun at the Werewolf then back at Julie. She veers the gun back and forth in confusion.

Biffy: Wh-which one is the werewolf? Which one is the werewolf?

The werewolf nonchalantly howls.

Werewolf: Aaaooooooooo.

Biffy: I just can’t tell!!

Julie: Oh for crissake.

The Werewolf points to the offstage network printer.

Werewolf: By the way, it’s out of toner.

The End