About the Authors

Matthew was a former tax collector and apostle who divided his time between proselytizing the new faith and seasonal work at H&R Block. “Give to Caesar what isn’t deductible” he liked to quip. He wrote the first draft of his Gospel on columnar paper.

Mark was the pen name of Shemu'el a one-time riverboat captain on the Jordan. While his Gospel was quite popular, his sequel about the sacrificial death of Jesus’ sidekick was less so.

Luke, the most literary of the authors, experimented with writing his version in the 2nd person. Then tried giving Jesus limited omniscience. Finally, he just cribbed it all off one of the Gnostics.

John was the most morbidly obese biblical author weighing in at 316. As his revealing dream journal tells, he was fond of spicy late night snacks before bed.