Saturday, December 29, 2007

F*** Ron Paul

Stand-up from the Star Bar animated with slides.

F*** Ron Paul

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Wednesday, December 19, 2007

This Year's Christmas Card

A little late to mail, but here it is.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

It's Electric!

The bright and shiny new Cobb Energy Performing Arts Center continues it's inaugural season in January with the high voltage improv comedy of Colin Mochrie and Brad Sherwood--Whose Line is it Anyway, That Really Shitty Correspondents' Dinner with Karl Rove--followed a week later by the direct current of Sinbad!--A Different World, That Billy Blank's Tae Bo Infomercial. Suck on that Waste Management Center for Modern Dance.

Plus, they've got a dimmer switch by the door.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

A Woman I Once Knew

Our sixth grade librarian had one leg shorter than the other by several inches. She wore a thick, black orthopedic shoe with a huge extended sole. Sometimes she’d try to match it with a plain black shoe on her other foot but this futile attempt at pairing looked more pathetic than if she had just worn a white sneaker or pink clog. She could walk without a cane but had to swing her upper body from side to side in wide swaths like an orangutan. Whenever anyone stared, she’d force herself to smile but one stretched so violently across her face and so perpendicular to her normal somber expression that it looked painful.

An old maid at 25, she was a librarian but couldn’t even walk quietly.

This was in another state.

Years later on a return visit I overheard a conversation in which her suicide was briefly mentioned. I didn’t interrupt to ask for details thinking that a kind of staring. Still the petty gossip in me can’t help but wonder: Was it in the summer, the constant isolation more unbearable than the taunts of skipping children? Was it in a garage with the car running, her bulky boot left on the gas? Or was it by hanging? Did she kick the chair away with her runt leg? Could her neck have broken at an angle that somehow allowed her feet to dangle in parallel?

Was she mourned?

And why do we all crave symmetry in a lopsided world?

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Cuthbert and Fentrice in "Some Literary Patter."

Cuthbert had a theory: “The greatest writers from Georgia were either Catholic or disease-ravaged.”

Fentrice had an objection: “There’s a difference?”

Cuthbert laid out his arguments: “Carson McCullers had a bunch of strokes ... and Flannery O’Connor was Catholic.”

Fentrice added a point. “O’Connor also had lupus.”

Cuthbert was delighted. “Really? That’s awesome.”

“Two writers hardly make a theory. What about Dr. King?”

“He doesn’t count.”

“Why not?”

“He never wrote fiction.”

“Had a way with words, though.”

“I think Margaret Mitchell was Catholic.”

“You’re really gonna rank her over Dr. King?”

“Sermons aren’t fiction.”

“I’ve heard a few ….”

“There’s something about being Catholic in the Protestant south and/or being riddled with disease that gives you imaginative vigor. Outsiders and shut-ins have expanded powers of empathy.”

“W.E.B. Dubois wrote one of the Modern Library’s 100 best nonfiction books of the 20th Century. And he was atheist and lived to 95.”

“Still, it wasn't fiction.”

“Your theory seems to have an inherent racial bias and probably encourages smoking. Also, your tastes are rather parochial.”

“I'll modify it. The best women writers from Georgia were either Catholic or disease-ravaged. … Or both.”

"I only read Tolstoy.”


Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Central European Video Blogs of Note

Vlog The Impaler—Video highlights from a Bucharest piercing salon. Most recent episode: "Screaming man getting a Prince Albert." It ended with bonus footage of his weakened, tripartite urine stream.

Lickety Split—Daily hijinks from a bulk mailing facility in Croatia’s largest seaport. Most recent episode: "Who put the revisionist, pro-Hitler WWII Dixie Cups by the water cooler?"

¿Cómo se les llama, Ljubljana?—A Slovenian-as-a-Second Language vlog for Spanish immigrants. Most recent episode: "Rolling your j’s."

Greater Luxembourg—An ultra-Nationalist hard right party in Luxembourg City presents its regular rants to nearly double the Grand Duchy’s size to a full 100 square miles.

Carpathian Basins—Upskirt videos from various ladies’ rooms along the Danube.