The U.S. Conference of Obscure Mayors
One of my rejected sketches from a local show. Their loss. (Or my shame.)
Sue: Hi everyone. Welcome to the annual U.S. Conference of Obscure Mayors. I’m this year’s conference chair Sue Vermillion, the mayor of Bumfuck, Idaho. For this informal meet and greet I thought we could just go around the room and introduce ourselves and talk about some of the problems facing our obscure towns. I’ll go first. I’d have to say the biggest problem in Bumfuck is transients. We have a large homeless population in Bumfuck and the local residents tend to fornicate with them. ‘Course, I can’t really blame our citizens. There’s not much else to do in Bumfuck so when a mysterious drifter blows through town it’s kind of arousing.
Mayor of Simpleton: I’ve heard of East Bumfuck. Is your town near there?
Sue: Yes, we’re just west of East Bumfuck.
Mayor of Simpleton: Oh.
Sue: Have we met?
Mayor of Simpleton: I don’t know. I’m the Mayor of Simpleton.
Sue: Did we go to college together?
Mayor of Simpleton: Oh no. I’ve never been near a university. Never took a paper or a learned degree.
Sue: Well, how are things in Simpleton?
Mayor of Simpleton: Our standardized test scores are pretty low. … But we’ve got love.
Sue: That’s nice.
Mayor of Hicksville: I’m the Mayor of Hicksville, Kentucky. We’re a pretty rural community. Most of our young people move out after high school. We’re hoping our new Iron Lung Museum might bring in some tourism.
Sue: Is mining your biggest employer?
Mayor of Hicksville: Used to be. Now it’s novelty items with derogatory depictions of the rural south. Here's an Elderly Couple with Goiters set of salt and pepper shakers.
Mayor of Steaming Pile: I’m the Mayor of Steaming Pile, Arizona.
Sue: And how are things in Steaming Pile?
Mayor of Steaming Pile: We’ve got a lot of flies.
Sue: And how about you?
Mayor #5: I’m the Mayor of Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here. I don’t know where to begin with my town’s problems. I’m just glad to be away for a few days.
Sue: Wait a minute. There’s no town called Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here. What’s your city’s real name?
Mayor #5: (Reluctantly) … Rockford, Illinois.
Sue: Oh my, I am sorry. Let me buy you a drink. In fact, why don’t we all retire to the hotel bar, that’s why we chose this La Quinta.