Thursday, March 27, 2008

The U.S. Conference of Obscure Mayors

One of my rejected sketches from a local show. Their loss. (Or my shame.)

Sue: Hi everyone. Welcome to the annual U.S. Conference of Obscure Mayors. I’m this year’s conference chair Sue Vermillion, the mayor of Bumfuck, Idaho. For this informal meet and greet I thought we could just go around the room and introduce ourselves and talk about some of the problems facing our obscure towns. I’ll go first. I’d have to say the biggest problem in Bumfuck is transients. We have a large homeless population in Bumfuck and the local residents tend to fornicate with them. ‘Course, I can’t really blame our citizens. There’s not much else to do in Bumfuck so when a mysterious drifter blows through town it’s kind of arousing.

Mayor of Simpleton: I’ve heard of East Bumfuck. Is your town near there?

Sue: Yes, we’re just west of East Bumfuck.

Mayor of Simpleton: Oh.

Sue: Have we met?

Mayor of Simpleton: I don’t know. I’m the Mayor of Simpleton.

Sue: Did we go to college together?

Mayor of Simpleton: Oh no. I’ve never been near a university. Never took a paper or a learned degree.

Sue: Well, how are things in Simpleton?

Mayor of Simpleton: Our standardized test scores are pretty low. … But we’ve got love.

Sue: That’s nice.

Mayor of Hicksville: I’m the Mayor of Hicksville, Kentucky. We’re a pretty rural community. Most of our young people move out after high school. We’re hoping our new Iron Lung Museum might bring in some tourism.

Sue: Is mining your biggest employer?

Mayor of Hicksville: Used to be. Now it’s novelty items with derogatory depictions of the rural south. Here's an Elderly Couple with Goiters set of salt and pepper shakers.

Mayor of Steaming Pile: I’m the Mayor of Steaming Pile, Arizona.

Sue: And how are things in Steaming Pile?

Mayor of Steaming Pile: We’ve got a lot of flies.

Sue: And how about you?

Mayor #5: I’m the Mayor of Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here. I don’t know where to begin with my town’s problems. I’m just glad to be away for a few days.

Sue: Wait a minute. There’s no town called Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here. What’s your city’s real name?

Mayor #5: (Reluctantly) … Rockford, Illinois.

Sue: Oh my, I am sorry. Let me buy you a drink. In fact, why don’t we all retire to the hotel bar, that’s why we chose this La Quinta.

The End

Sunday, March 23, 2008

My Tornado Hunk

My set about the tornado hitting Atlanta recorded Monday 3/17/08. The pictures are my own but there are also a couple screen grabs I snuck in since I didn't get enough shots of Vine City.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

And That Vein Looks A Little Leaky.

I Haven't Seen a Phallus This Cankered Since...

I used to work the vice squad with Sharky.

Reminds me of a bit I used to do:
Ye Olde Carribean Grocery Bit

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Carbon Footprints in the Sand

Those new carbon footprint labels that tell all about the emissions and other ills released in the making of our favorite food products can be quite a shock. Who knew Dutch Windmill Cookies could be so socially irresponsible?

Hoef en Mund Farms Dutch Windmill Cookies are baked in coal-fired stoves. The butter comes from downer cows and the almonds are picked by heroin-addicted prostitutes in Amsterdam’s Red Light District from trees planted in Handicap Parking spots. The dough is cut by a coal-powered industrial cookie cutter shaped like a windmill and manned by an elderly woman we pay off the books and only by the gross. The cookies are shipped in small lots on an oversized, coal-fueled steamship once owned by the guy who turned in Anne Frank. May contain peanuts, gluten, soy and coal.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

February vs. March

One whole minute of stand-up from last night at the Star Bar. (There were others.)

That Month of the Time

Add to My Profile | More Videos