Sunday, March 25, 2007

Am I My Brother's Dog's Keeper?


For 2 weeks.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

I'm Not a Sick Comic; I Write Elegies.

I have a great affection for Mennonites. Unlike our wartime president--who name drops Jesus as his favorite philosopher like some freshman film student citing Fritz Lang as a "big influence" after seeing a poster for M--Mennonites actually attempt the difficult, humbling task of a Christian life.

They are one of the Peace Churches practicing pacifism both politically and personally and offering no resistance when unjust harm befalls them. But unlike their theological cousins the Amish, Mennonites make greater compromises with modernity. To me, using their faith as a ballast with which to navigate the fallen world rather than an excuse to set themselves apart from it is all the more admirable. I suppose it's my fondness for idealism over ideologues. Mennonites allow such worldliness as playing baseball and riding buses. Yet this was enough to invoke God's wrath? What hope do the rest of us have? I touch myself and eat pork. Sometimes while driving through spaghetti junction. That can't end well.

I know "His ways are not man's ways" and only letting bad things happen to bad people makes for a boring old testament so He's got to let the innocent have it now and then. Okay Lord, we get it. You've got the biggest dick. Now how 'bout letting some of your most sincere believers play a non-violent outdoor team sport?

God may be all knowing but sometimes I think He lacks emotional intelligence.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

And They Got Drunk Faster Ever After

Sweetwater's new higher alcohol beer. A whopping 9% alcohol. Look out Belgium.

Gaggin' on the Presidential Candidates: Addendum

Former Tennessee Senator and current Law & Order star Fred Thomson announced he may run for president. In a bit of poetic justice, if elected he'll be replaced after only 2 years by Diane Wiest.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

The Passion According to Boisfeuillet Jones

The annual staging of the Atlanta Passion Play is coming up at the Civic Center.

Ever since Mel Gibson’s Passion raised the bar, the demand for realism in Passion Plays is so strong I hear that at the Civic Center production just before the big crucifixion scene they drop a puff of smoke so the actor playing Jesus can run off and be replaced by one of those pickled corpses leftover from the Bodies exhibit. That way they can actually nail it to a cross and beat the shit out it in the kind of explicit bloodletting the Opus Dei crowd now demands.

The only flaw in its verisimilitude
is that one minute Jesus is an historically inaccurate blonde-haired, blue-eyed white guy and the next he’s a dead Chinese dissident whose organs have been partially harvested.

That, and the part where Judas shows a Bum Fight video.

Monday, March 05, 2007

My Latest Hilarious Character

The Homophobic Agoraphobe.

"There might be fags out there!"

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Office Oscar Pool Recap

I had some bad picks:

Seton Hall for Best Picture

9 lbds. 8 ounces for Best Lighting

Walter Cronkite in an auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap for the "Honorary Award to Ennio Morricone"

I think I got confused with some of our other office pools. What really irks me is that they announced the "Honorary Award to Ennio Morricone" winner ahead of time. I could've just looked it up, but like an idiot I went and picked Walter Cronkite leaving the belt around his neck a little too tight while jerking off.

I totally nailed Best Score.