Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Gagging on the 08 Candidates--Part 3

Fmr. Gov. Tom Vilsack is running for president. Known to 8th graders throughout Iowa as Gov. Nutsack, he claims to be the kind of Democrat that can appeal to rural voters. Apparently the equipment needed to make ethanol is some of the same equipment used in making Iowa's 2nd biggest export: meth.

Mike Huckabee lost 110 pounds while serving as Gov. of Arkansas. That'll make a neat campaign poster if he poses with his "before" pants. He lost the weight on the Arkansas diet: meth.

Fmr. Alaska Senator Mike Gravel has been out of office since 1981 and is nearing 80. He's running on a Fair Tax platform to eliminate the income tax and levy a flat 23% tax on any kid found on his lawn.

Fmr. Virginia Gov. Jim Gilmore is considering a run as a more conservative alternative to John McCain. His slogan: "Gilmore's no girl!"

Monday, January 29, 2007

One Gag Per Candidate--Part 2

Fmr. Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney hopes to be America's first Mormon president. Does the White House basesment have enough room for a year's supply of crackers and canned goods?

New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson hopes to be the first Hispanic president. And CNN's Lou Dobbs is already calling for a fence around the White House.

Sam Brownback opposes President Bush's troop surge saying those soldier's are needed to close down abortion clinics here at home. Yet the Kansas Senator insists he's not just this year's single-issue Pro-Life candidate, he's also Pro-Glutein. (I have a good joke about getting an abortion in Kansas but I used it in this post about South Dakota.)

John Edwards is running again. The boyish but folksy country lawyer from North Carolina hopes to appeal to Matlock fans under 60.

Anti-immigration Congressman Tom Tancredo is such a stauch proponent of English-only laws his name will appear on the ballot as just Tom.

As chair of the Senate Banking Committe, Christopher Dodd claims to have a great new plan to reduce the national debt by sending half payments every 14 days.

Newt Gingrich says he's not running for the Republican nomination now but that he's willing to be drafted later. That's a first. "Student Deferment" Newt ready for battle? Somebody's third wife must have cancer.

Senator Joe Biden hopes that after eight years of Texas swagger Americans will be ready for some Delaware teeny tiny steps like Tim Conway's "Old Man" character.

Sunday, January 28, 2007

One Comic's Guide to the Candidates--Part 1

For our State of the Union special at Manuel's I set out to write a gag about each of the declaired or likely presidential candidates for 2008. Here's a few:

Hillary Clinton hopes to become the first woman married to a former president to become president thereby advancing the cause of women everywhere that happend to marry well.

John McCain
is running a 2nd time. Having made nice with Jerry Falwell and refusing to speak ill of James Dobson, McCain's original "Straight Talk Express" campaign bus has been replaced by the "Trans-Bible Belt Panderer." And it don't run on no bio-diesel.

Barack Obama is a smoker. Do we really want a president suspending matters of state every 10 minutes to go out by the dumpster?

Rudolph Giuliani would be only the 2nd Catholic president. But unlike John F. Kennedy, Giuliani's disease-ravaged prostate should make for a much duller Lincoln Bedroom.

Congressman Dennis Kucinich is making his 2nd run for the White House. He's called for the creation of a Department of Peace. Imagine, a cabinet-level drum circle.

Congressman Duncan Hunter is also running. Unique amoung the candidates, he combines a very masculine surname with a kinda gay first name. His likely running mate: New Hampshire State Comptroller Bareback Steele.

Al Gore has not completely ruled out running again, but is more likely to do a follow-up to his Oscar-nominated documentary An Inconvenient Truth. This time he'll look at global warming from the Japanese soldiers' perspective.

Nebraska Senator Chuck Hegel is considering a run. He opposes the troop surge, is a fierce critic of President Bush's handling of the war and claims today's Republican Party is not the one he joined years ago. But he still may win the party's nomination with his stirring "Fuck all y'all" stump speech.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Live, Local Satire and A Lameduck Speech

Tuesday Jan. 23 is President Bush's next to last State of the Union Address. Why not put on a comedy show at Atlanta's premier political pub?

We've reserved the intimate upstairs Eagle's Nest room at Manuel's Tavern for a show starting at 8 p.m. We'll have an hour of local comics and characters, stop to watch the speech at 9 then have a good-natured panel discussion or a couple more acts.

Performers scheduled to take part include: comedian and celebrity bouncer Mason Jenkins,
comic and former Bob Barr campaign volunteer "Marine" Mike Carr, comedienne/improvisor/filmaker Leslie Sharp, songwriter/satirist Al Shelton and more. Hosted by thinking man's trucker Leonard Sharing and me.

Seating is limited but nothing else is on that night so come on down.

No cover.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Spencer Tunick Reconsiders “Nudes in a Field: Cambodia” Photo Shoot

Photographer Spencer Tunick has postponed and may cancel a planned photo shoot of group nudes in rural Cambodia. The photographer is well known for his arrangements of nude models that range in number from dozens to several hundred. But the announcement of an “installation” near the site of the Khmer Rouge “Killing Fields” of the 1970s drew criticism.

“Perhaps dozens of nude bodies of various shapes and sizes piled together near a mass grave site doesn’t produce the kind of sensual transgression I meant,” Tunick said.

“In using large numbers of naked volunteers arranged artistically my goal is to get the viewer to awaken to the abstract visual possibilities of the unclothed figure, not scream ‘never again!’”

Tunick says he is also reconsidering the upcoming installations Nudes in a Hotel: Rwanda, Naked Boys Just Lying There: Srebrenica and Left on a Lawn: Walker County Georgia.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

They See Your Every Move

Still inching my way through the Modern Library's list of 100 best novels of last century.

Thanks to audio books and a day job on the road I've finished 11 so far.

What book am I hearing now, you may ask?

Monday, January 08, 2007

Stations of La Crosse

There are now over 30.

I remember when it was 14.

And Cow 97 was still Simon Helps.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Artist's Rendering?

Alone in a bar when an itinerant sketch artist drops in and doodles in hopes of a tip, this was the result.

Perhaps he meant to flatter me with the stoic gaze, invented cleft chin and abstracting my brow's many furrows to 2 thoughtful arches (or are those supposed to be stink lines?).

But I stiffed him. Hell, it looks nothing like me.

Guess I'll stick with this for my first album cover:

Monday, January 01, 2007

Another Bit Bites The Dust

The Cobb County evolution disclaimer case has ended after four fun-filled years.

The case made a lot of monologues and news satires including my own.

In stand-up it was this bit:

"The courts have ruled Cobb County must remove the anti-evolutionary warning labels from their science texts. But they will get to keep their 'In Case of Rapture This Bus Becomes Airborne' bumper stickers and the warnings on their Introduction to Art History Texts: 'What are you, some kind of fag?'"

But before came the community-access comedy calvalcade known as LAFFS. (Not my title. I repeat, not mine. Please dear God believe me I would never name a comedy show after the very thing it's supposed to generate.) For a desk piece on that show I wrote these:

Other Cobb County Schools Textbook Disclaimers

· Art Appreciation (Many famous artists were homosexual, a lifestyle condemned by most of the world’s major religions--including, but not only, Christianity. Rather than support such degeneracy—as their scriptures call it--many good people of faith with an eye for beauty collect biblical figurines or Thomas Kincade landscapes instead.)

· Chemistry (One noted scientist—with a Ph.D. and everything—estimated the average temperature of the unquenchable hellfire to be well over 20,000 degrees Kelvin. Something to think about.)

· Algebra ( alpha + omega = guess who )

· Calculus (For many, this subject is beyond their comprehension—like God’s ways.)

· Health (Sure Yoga’s good for stretching, but who’s the healthiest religious leader? Buddha?! Please. Have you seen the gut on that guy? And he’s supposed to know the true path to enlightenment? Maybe the true path to the nearest Shoney’s breakfast buffet. For a lean and fit spiritual icon, stick with ol’ Jesus H.)

· Music (Christian rock your mornings with Nahum and Ronnie on The Fish 104.7!)

· English (To split an infinitive is now commonly accepted. But there’s no splitting eternity. Where will you spend it?)

· World History (The Histoical Jesus believed in the biblical Jesus.)

· Woodshop (Carpentry was the Messiah’s vocation. Seek His blessing for your own birdhouse or paper towel holder.)

Looking back, I think the stand-up bit's tighter, but no matter. They're both passe now. Time to face a whole new year with a diminished repertoire. Who's the patron saint of dick jokes? I gotta start praying.